Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi