I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?