I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
