My nipple is on Facebook.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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