I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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