quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
