that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
