plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
