and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
