if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
