So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
