You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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