So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
