And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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