Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
