I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
