I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
