he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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