I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
