I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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