So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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