You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Text me some of your sweat
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