4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
