My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
