i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
