i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
