I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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