I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
