If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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