just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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