this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
