I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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