your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
