Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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