I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
