1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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