Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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