nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
