if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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