why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
