I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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