My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
