T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
