Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
