real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
