I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
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Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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