smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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