Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Enjoy the penises
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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