Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
