I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
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She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
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I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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