you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
