i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize