Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Alive.
So much puke
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
