please come you make the beer taste better
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
