god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
