So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.