im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.