I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.