my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
