I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
