I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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