she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
