If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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