if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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