i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
