so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
